"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
:::Psalm 51:10
When sweet Olivia asked me to be a part of this series, I was in
such a crazy place.
I had just quit my job, I was starting a "new one" as a full time momma. I was transitioning into spending my days with one person, rather than the halls of a school swarming with 500 people, we were jumping on the budget bandwagon with now just one income, and of course it wasn't a smooth transition {for me}.
I began setting countless unreachable goals.:
..I must keep the house clean. Very clean. What I learned quickly was that having a non-stop moving toddler around who also happens to be in stage10 cling-to-momma phase doesn't give me loads of "cleaning time..."
...I must make dinner each night for our family, and better add a pretty darn good lunch and breakfast for my little guy. What I learned quickly was that big creative meals cost $$. and we're on a budget. it's tight. and, also? it's hard to cook anytime during 3:30 - 5:00, because little romes is just a TAD needy during those times. yikes. hello grilled cheese?
...I wanted to do crafts. more crafts. more decorating. more sewing. What I learned quickly was that being a momma {parenting, trying to clean, trying to cook, beginning to figure out how to discipline our little rambunctious bambino and managing to stay consistent with it, oh and getting a shower in here and there} doesn't exactly allow for a nice quiet space to get my creative on. nope. doesn't happen.
...I wanted to meet up with all of my momma friends. What I learned quickly was that kids get sick, and kids don't sleep well at night, and kids have busy parents, and kids need naps, and kids need meals, and momma? We have to do what's best for those kids, and these things don't allow for hours stacked upon hours of girly/momma time. nope.
So you can imagine the slow "let down" i experienced in my first couple of months with this new gig i landed. the gig i begged for, forever. This one particular verse began ringing in my ears.
[CREATE IN ME A PURE HEART OH GOD, and RENEW A STEADFAST SPIRIT WITHIN ME]
I couldn't even remember where the verse was in the bible, or what its context was, but it came to me throughout the day, and the Lord used it to breathe life into me. Slowly, I snapped out of it, the joy came back.
When I looked up the verse, I learned that in this chapter of psalms, david realizes what an unclean heart he had [me too, david.] and he confesses it to God asking, begging, that God would create for him a CLEAN HEART. [i, too, wanted SO badly to feel the JOY of salvation and i wasn't]
and i realized in psalm 51, that when we doubt ourselves and don't confess and cry out for help, we can't experience the joy. and thus we feel weak [let me tell ya, i was weak] .......so we learn that the more we lean on him, the more we receive HIS grace. and so, the more cheerful we are in our daily duties, the more JOY we will experience because NONE of my troubles or fears can keep me my heart from receiving grace. [ahhhh grace, such a beautiful thing, ey?]
so now, when i say this small part of psalm 51 [CREATE in me a PURE HEART oh God, and RENEW a steadfast SPIRIT within me] over and over throughout my days, i know where the joy that i feel is coming from...........it's the continued joy of all the redeemed, we have redemption through the blood of Christ, our sins are FORGIVEN according to the riches of HIS grace.
I wanted to share this with you, because, I know that no matter WHERE you are at in life, whatever SEASON you find yourself in, there are ALWAYS letdowns from setting unrealistic goals.
there are always happenings that will question and compete with experiencing true joy.
please find your JOY in HIM? It's an overwhelming sense of peace :)
so what about my clean house?
my dinners?
my crafts?
my playdates?
well, they happen when they can.
and when they don't it's okay.
I've let go of my expectations. they were unrealistic. and i let them attack me.
I know, as with every job, there are successes and defeats.
I'm praying. EACH DAY. that i receive grace.
and i know that SLOWLY, I'm being refined into the wife and mother I'm called to be.
i'll get there.
one day at a time.
